This post has been a long time coming.
Initially, I was going to talk about motherhood, my plans for it,
and what it's like for me.
I was going to tell you how I wasn't very maternal growing up.
That I wasn't the girl who babysat during high school.
That I didn't really do kids.
But that I've wanted them for as far back as I can remember.
I was going to tell you how I was going to be like Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady.
How I was going to keep a spotless home, COOK 3 fresh organic meals a day,
and spend all my time making my kids happy.
How I wasn't going to raise my voice at my kids, we'd be the of best friends,
and how I'd always have the right thing to say.
Then I was going to tell you what actually happened when I
became a mother.
That the Claire Huxtable/Carol Brady thing never really took off.
That I'm more like Roseanne.
That on any given day, you'll see a fresh load of laundry
sprawled across the sofa.
That sometimes I'm raising my voice, tired as hell, dinner is in the
microwave mommy.
That I spend so much time making everybody happy that I lose myself.
I was going to tell you that being best friends isn't the goal,
being respected is.
And that no, I don't always have the right the thing to say.
I was going to tell you how incessant questions and grocery store tantrums
make me want to disappear.
That my maternal gene didn't immediately kick in when my
first child was born and that sometimes I cry
cause I don't think I'm doing this right.
I was going to tell you how I now know just how much I really don't know
and that being a mommy isn't always cute, baby powdery and sweet.
That being a mommy, a lot of times, for me, is hard.
But last night as I was trying to get into my car to leave Trader Joe's.
There was a slightly handicapped middle aged man parked next to me.
We had a conversation that went like this...
ME: (trying to get my little one in his card seat, steps to the side)
HIM: That's okay. You go right ahead.
ME: No, you go. He doesn't like being strapped in and he's going to wrestle
me. So it may take a long time.
HIM: Oh, I remember those days.
ME: Then you KNOW what FUN I'm having (I said as I rolled my eyes)
HIM: But it's so beautiful isn't it? And it goes so fast.
And then it hit me. I knew this already. But something at that moment
just struck me.
I looked over to see my oldest son trying desperately to buckle
himself into his car seat;
And my little one climbing to the front of the car.
And I whispered what the man said to myself.
So instead of telling you all that other stuff that I was going to tell you,
I'll just say this:
I am a mother. I am tremendously blessed to be a mother.
Sometimes it is difficult and I don't always get it right.
But that's okay.
Cause really, I wouldn't change it for the world.
And yes, it is beautiful and fleeting.
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6 comments:
This was well worth the wait. Loved it.
We must be living parallel lives, 'cause I took a moment to stop and smell the roses this morning too! My baby boy wouldn't take his nap...must be teething or something and I have a million and one things to do. But today as I was holding him, Caravan of Love by Isley Brothers came on. I had his face pressed against my face and I began to sway to the music. As we were dancing, I realized that he won't always let me hold him like this. So I savored it and tried to imprint the moment in my memory. Didn't really work, 'cause I forgot about it until I read this post ;)
Thanks for the reminder and my bad for leaving such a long comment!!
word!
well said. very, very well said. cause i just know i am f#$#$@ this sh$*&$^ up. and before i completely lose it and pop my beautiful baby in the eye i have to breath into the fact that i asked for this experience and i really and truly love my kids. they are lucky too, cause if i didn't...call social services...
keep the "truth" coming!
Yes children are an awesome blessing and a huge responsibility. Sometimes we do have to step back and reaffirm this especially when they have stepped on the one last nerve that we own. At the end of the day despite all the chaos and back talk we endure we wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Being a mother is awesome...and reisling helps smooth over the rough patches :).
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